i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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