I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
