My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
