Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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