also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
