true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
