sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I supernannyed him into submission
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
