I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
