I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
