I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
