There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
