...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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