Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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