come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
