just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize