i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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