dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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