Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
