super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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