Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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