Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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