your room smells of hookers.
And success
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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