No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
