I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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