You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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