It was confusing and full of hummus
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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