no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
