I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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