last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
