I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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