my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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