I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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