He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
