whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize