I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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