I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
