why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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