Don't make out with my wife yet
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
