i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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