walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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