Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
