i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
