do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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