He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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