I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
