Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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