i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
