I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
