i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
