A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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