Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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