My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
