Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
