You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
