We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
