my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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