Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
