I am puke
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
