I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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