There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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